Till Death Do Us Part

I married myself in the glow of the Full Moon as my witness on the 7th day of the 7th month of 2017. It was 4am, maybe later and I had ventured off, listening to the calling of my heart when I arrived perfectly on time for my wedding. I knew exactly where I was and exactly what I was doing. I gracefully walked myself down the isle, crickets and grasshoppers sharing their song to the beat of my step. My ancestors and families spirits in the outdoor pews watching me embody my highest self. I stepped under the gazebo to meet myself exactly where I was, in all of my beauty and all of my shadow, in all my pain and all my pleasure, I was there to see myself fully. I said my vows:

“I Love and honor myself and am grateful to play this game with you. I promise to love and honor you through sickness and in health, through all the changes and through your heart’s ebb and flow. I promise to hold you when you are sad, to love you when you are fat, to hear you and see you in every single moment of this waking life. I promise to listen to your needs and tune into you as often as I can remember. I am here for you and I love you more then I have ever loved anyone. You are the one, my soul mate, my forever, my heart, and other half, to have and to hold, till death do us part.”

I wrapped my arms around myself and began to sing, “You are not alone, I am here to stay,” swaying and spinning myself to my own voice. In this moment I abolished the man I had been waiting for to live my life, the man who was supposed to walk me down the isle to meet the other man who would take over from there. I stepped into the responsibility of fully taking care of myself, of knowing myself, and crushing on myself. Watching myself, my play, my song the way a lover might and taking over the job of encouragement and validation. No one could help me feel embodied in myself, but me.

Marriage to myself is a daily commitment, a daily remembrance and choice to love myself through it all. It isn’t easy, but worth it, so so so worth it, like anything beautiful. And I see myself as that now, perfect and beautiful in all my imperfections.

“Who Am I?”

–Derek Zoolander

 

I was preparing for flight to San Francisco, my wings only half open, I was scared. The past three years had been an uphill battle with depression, anxiety, addiction,  diagnosed bipolar disorder leading to medications. I was IN IT when my therapist said, “I’d like for you to try this breath and body work one day.” To which I replied, “Mmm, no thank you,” and then finally a “Anything, please!” 

 

After two months of twice a week intensive work, she handed me two texts books and said, “take these with you.” I ate them both in one night and by ate I mean read and took everything my brain crammed in with me to college. The next two years looked like at home exorcisms in my San Francisco studio, days of not leaving bed, 21 year old back pain, inflammation, breakdowns, manic moods, just hanging on by the seat of my pants (Is that really a saying?). I was IN IT. I took journeys into my physical body finding painful and traumatic memories I had locked away in my sweet little heart. I blasted into the white light via the pain in my spine just to wake up hours later on the floor with insane amounts of energy between by hands, an orb I sent out into space because my body didn’t need it anymore. Sounds crazy right? All I was doing was bringing deep breaths into my body and moving my body into calculated positions to help release all the things my sensitive (yet strong and powerful) body took on. 

 

Fast Forward (to 1 year after graduation) >>> Moksha Yoga Festival @ the LA Convention Center (Wait, What?) 

 

I see Breathwork on the schedule and get a HELL YES in my head… 

I stroll into Michael Brian Baker’s Breath session and am taken on a shamanic journey guided by animals, plants, archangels, spirit guides, and breath. AND I leave knowing that this breath is my life’s work, literally THIS IS “IT.” 

What is Breathwork?

Trying to explain what breathwork is, is a lot like trying to explain a psychedelic trip. It is almost impossible because every bodies experience is it’s own and it is different to each. The way in which your specific body is going to respond is going to be different and it is literally different every single time one invites in the breath. 

 

Here is one of the ways in which I have tried to explain it to others and let me be super clear, I am not a scientist, I have taken a few classes in anatomy but am by no means an expert. My understanding of everything in this world has come from my own experience within my body and teachings from my various teachers, guides, and mentors along the way. 

 

It is my understanding that each of our bodies has a bunch of different chemical reactions happening through out the day. Sometimes we take certain substances: medications, caffeine, nicotine, sugar, uppers, downers etc… that can effect these chemical reactions within each of our systems. Breath is like a substance. When we bring in intentional air into the body, specifically through the mouth, we are creating space between the muscles, joints, and bones. Why is this important or necessary? Often times, as children learning and navigating the world, something scary happens to us and we hold our breath. Where does that breath go? It doesn’t, it remains. It sits within the body and can create a negative thought pattern (which I will explain about in more detail in a later post). These ‘traumas,’ ‘memories,’ or whatever else you might refer to them as can create blocks and imbalances in our energetic, emotional, and physical bodies AND the breath can help release those. 

 

SO, Story to my point (yes, that phrase makes sense both ways because everything in life is BOTH AND) I really can’t even explain why or how breath work is as powerful and transformative as it is. Any explanation I give is not going to fulfill any inquiries one might have, only the breath can do that. All I can say is that breathwork has changed my life and has the power to transform and change others so long as there is a willingness for growth, surrender, and faith that everything is exactly as it should be.